a researcher needs her nightmares

After two months full of nightmares -sometimes multiple per night-, here is a quite bitter one because of the feeling it left me with, because I feared this has a greater possibility of becoming real:

At a conference with four or five other fellows. Gloomy room, everyone is so dispirited. I will go last, and have a big file under my arm, more than ready. I sense noone in the room cares about what is being told, though, so I haven’t prepared extras for the audience. Everyone sits and seems pleased to fulfill a formality, a duty. We could not care less about the spirit of why we do this. Never took my coat off in the room, constantly changed seats during presentations, did not feel I belong or am welcomed. Audience sits away and higher above the level of presenters and there are several benches placed in grids in the room that make movement a big struggle. I study the pages of notes, have the outline, know what to tell, yet still feel out of synch. Everyone in my session presents, when it’s my turn, I decide to hush and give up, because I’m convinced they don’t want this, need this, my words are alienating them and me as well.

So, is this the Turkey effect? or is it the lazy me?

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