I went out(side) to get some strong data with the objective to learn what emotions sound like in public space and what they do to it, to us when they sound. I prepared for it in a quite turbulent time in my life; a lot of bad luck, and a lot of sheer luck happened – I went to the movies to get over it; what I had blindly trusted pulled me down, wasted my time, and blamed me for the wreck, leaving me with loose leaves, and a lot to analyse; what/who pulled me down turned out to be a total joke; and, every weekend since then I’ve been turning to the mirror and searching myself, searching for temperance: are you a joke as well? Is this a wreck? Is this a waste of her time, their time, your time? I actually wasted my own time trying to bear the blame, not working on myself, but working on a fake, bad copy. I trusted I usually lacked 1/5 of the entire focus I was endowed with. I could do it, but I overworked and lost the temper. The argument hides in temperance. Some weekends, I searched my memory but could not remember the last time I did put in all the effort and it worked magic. Wasted my trust on what is hostile to magic – hostile, not critical. I thought I could replace it with data. But the site has been a nervous, weak and fearful place in the background, with a lot of nonsense, people’s negative moods, pride and pretense sucking good vibes and confusing me more. I could not afford wasting time, but I wasted. I have been ranting this whole time; ranting here, ranting when out with friends, ranting with my academic shoes on; ranting with my academic shoes off; I am ranting, I have been holding the good stuff back, the 1/5. Can’t do this to the project and parties involved in it anymore. Can’t hold back. This is a structural moment that calls for tempering and intervention to make sense of a very post-structural site. Rich data shines when tempered.
So I go in(side) to get my arguments back in order to do justice to 4/5 too. I’ve got data, I’ve got method and the bow, I’ve got time and arrows, and having a good advisor rocks. Really does connect.